Vulnerability in teaching
Teachers are vulnerable under normal circumstances. Every day, we present ourselves through our lessons and are open and vulnerable to judgment from all of our students, parents, colleagues and administrators. I can think of no other profession where this is true, especially on a daily basis. Teachers have to always be “on” and moving. No privacy or protection from emotional exposure by working at a desk, in an office/ cubicle, behind closed doors or facing just the screen of a computer. If we are grappling with personal issues, health issues, family issues, financial issues…any issues, we throw them in our backpack and carry them to school with us. But then, when do we deal with them during our action-packed, always on, “keep moving so you don’t get behind and everyone will know it” day?
Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” The current pandemic is just amplifying this feeling of vulnerability in teachers as there is uncertainty when or if they will see their students again. There is uncertainty as to what exactly is expected of them and their students as far as learning gains, grades, lesson plans, etc. There is uncertainty as to how to transition to online teaching and what resources, tools, skills and proficiency will be needed to reach their students. There is uncertainty as to whether students are safe, getting enough to eat, getting the support at home that they need, whether or not they will do any work they will give them to do, etc. There is risk in trying to deliver teaching online and in a new, unfamiliar way. Thoughts racing through their heads: I am not a master of technology. I have not done this before. This is a new way of thinking and doing for me that I don’t have complete knowledge, experience and expertise at. Do I have to record myself? What will parents think? What if I mess up or don’t know all the answers or how to solve any tech issues that come up? What if no students show up? How do I hold them accountable? What if I do all this work and put forth my best effort, and the district or admin finally figures out it isn’t going to work and cancels everything. Then, I’ll look like a fool or what a waste of my precious time or this is bullsh**, I can never trust them again! All of this uncertainty and risk just creates a parade of emotional exposure that is like a scene out of the movie Inside Out.
This is all new for teachers, students, parents, administrators, all of us. And when something is new, our feelings of vulnerability ramp up. Fight or flight response kicks in. Anxiety, fear, disappointment, resentment, anger, aggression take over as we either armor up, shut down or run away in order to protect ourselves.
When we armor up, we become more aggressive, intolerant and judgmental of ourselves and others. Patience, understanding and compassion can’t get past the monstrous barriers we have put up to protect ourselves. Life and our interactions with ourselves and others become a constant game of bumper cars as we try to push our way through any obstacles that get in our way. We also will lock our heart away like a gold bar in Fort Knox, inaccessible and impermeable to any intruder who might steal away our control and expected outcomes. We will plan too much, expect too much and be always disappointed and/or angry. We are resentful when we are asked to do more and feel others are “not doing their part” The general feeling is like fire.
When we shut down, we are frozen. Every thought, action and movement requires tremendous effort. Creativity, inspiration and motivation fly out the window as we close the curtains, curl up on the couch with a carton of ice cream and slip into a depression and an attitude of “I don’t care about anything”. Everything takes so much effort and energy that we feel we just don’t have. We don’t make any plans, volunteer for anything or take initiative. We may give the kids busy work, show movies all the time and just turn pages in the book. We are not motivated or inspired and passion is something that we don’t recognize or feel anymore. We do the bare minimum, don’t engage with anyone, don’t follow through and are disengaged. The general feeling is like ice.
When we run away, our anxiety is in overdrive as we just try to escape everything and everyone. We procrastinate, get behind and isolate as we are running from one thing to the next trying to figure out how to keep up, meet all the expectations and release the pressure. We create more and more distance between us and the rest of the world. We can’t take on even one more thing for fear we might lose it or break. We can’t stand PLC’s, don’t want to collaborate with anyone, avoid emails/meetings/going out of our room. We either blow through the material we need to teach or we recycle and re-teach ad nauseam, waiting for things to be either perfect or “just right”. The general feeling is like the wind.
In any one day of teaching, we can cycle through all three of these self-protective moves like a ninja warrior in battle. We are human, and can be triggered at any time. What is unique about teaching is that we are vulnerable at all times to emotional exposure, and the one emotion that we try to avoid at all costs is shame. Shame of not knowing and not being enough because, after all, we are teachers. We are the fountains of knowledge that flow forth and nourish the minds and souls of children to grow into the best versions of themselves. We are the heroes who are going to protect children from harm and rescue every child from the evils in the world in which they live. We are the healers who are going to take away all their hurts, protect them and make them whole again. We are the person with the power, privilege and responsibility to make a difference in their lives…to make them or break them. ALL THAT is a heavy weight to carry in our backpacks to school every day. One slip up, one judgment, one disappointment, one perceived failure can crack us wide open and let loose the emotional flood gates and our instinctive urge to self-preserve and protect. YIKES!
So, what can we do? The goal is more heart-centered teaching, so we backward design our pathway to that place. And what resonates louder than anything in our hearts…HOPE! It is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and our students. We must let go of fear and invite hope into our classrooms.
Start with the E and work up to the H (backward design) to get to the heart of teaching:
- Heal our hearts: Throughout the day, I will place my hand on my heart and check in with how I feel. If I am self-protecting and not feeling full of HOPE, I will return to “E” and through greater awareness, work my way up to “H” until there is clarity and peace in my heart and in my actions. I forgive myself and others and will learn through practice. This is not a journey of perfection, but rather one of “not yet”.
- Overcome obstacles: How can I better practice self-care and make better choices to align with my desired outcomes in the future? What support, tools and resources do I need that will help me achieve my desired outcomes? What is one thing that I can do right now to be the change I want to see?
- Pause and plan my next steps: What were the consequences and outcomes of how I chose to self-protect? What other choices did I have in a situation like this? How do I really want to feel, and what can I do to make that happen? Which of these choices best align with my desired feelings and my intentions?
- Explore and experience how I am feeling: What triggered me? Was I armoring up, shutting down or running away? Why? What am I doing, not doing, want to do, need to do, have to do? What is real, and what story am I making up in my head?
What we all want to feel more of today in the classroom is a greater sense of school SPIRIT, which is a pathway to hope. So, I invite you to check out the SPIRIT LESSONS and stay tuned for more steps on your journey through the Spirit of Teaching.
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